Hello Cupcake!

Well, we did it! We have officially survived the major portion of the holidays.

And now, that bold, brand new, spankin’ fresh year of 2017 awaits us.  In the spirit of which, I want to share with you ten potential New Year’s Resolutions that you might want to consider for your own list in 2017.  Feel free to mix and match. But I do promise you this:  If you adopt any one of these resolutions for your own, you will have a more pleasurable, exciting, exquisite 2017 than you might otherwise.

Here’s the resolution game I’m playing:

 

Number 1

Don’t Die. Like, just about pretty much everybody else did this past year.  Bowie, Prince, and now George Michael, Ricky Harris, and Carrie Fisher in the last 3 weeks?  Oh. And now, Debbie Reynolds?! Really, 2016, Really? Why you gotta be like that? So, to the best of my ability, I shall linger on. I hope you will too.  Stick around.  Shit is about to get way interesting, I think.

Number 2

Make Lots of Mistakes.  I’ve had this on my list every year since 2012, and it’s so great because I always, always stick to this resolution.  I never have to feel guilty about forgetting it halfway through February.  And, in all seriousness, one of the reasons I enjoy my big, bold, juicy, rich interesting life as much as I do is because I expect to screw up quite a bit.

Number 3

Buy More Booties/Shoe-Boots Than I Need.  This one is trickier than it looks, because how many do I actually “need?”  Where does one draw the line between desire and need?  Between unhealthy obsession and looking the part of a successful professional woman so people will trust me and give me more money to buy more shoe-boots?  These are eternal questions that cannot be answered. At any rate, one things for sure.  It’s gonna be more booties than that.

Number 4

Chronic Seriousness.  Shake it Off.  And I don’t even like Taylor Swift.  But seriously.  Chronic seriousness is a terrible but almost entirely unavoidable by-product of modern life, with its insane number of possible options and choices and things that could go horribly wrong while we are trying to be all things to all people.  It will come around and try to sit on your head; it will sneak in and weave its deadening tentacles around your heart.  But we must be vigilant and Shake. It. The. Fuck. Off.

Number 5

Joie de VivreJoie.  I prefer to seek and celebrate the French version of “Joie de Vivre” rather than the English “Joy.”  I just can’t get that excited about “Joy,” but my brain does get tickled by “Schjeh-wahhhh.”  Joie is the thing I experience in many situations once I have temporarily shaken off the Chronic Seriousness that sneaks in literally hundreds of times a day, like when traffic is bad and I am late and I haven’t done my taxes and my darling boyfriend is cursing my persistent tardiness and my 88-year-old mother is calling to complain that the people who just bought her house seem very “Appalachian.” (Nelle’s way of saying “hick”) because they are charging her $8000 to take down her Victorian-era wallpaper before they move in.  Still.  Joie waits for me on the other side of this absurdity.

Number 6

Live in “We,” Not “I.”  This one is just for us spiritual nutbags who believe that there IS some mysterious higher power that is greater than our own efforts and has the power to make shit waaaaayyyyy easier than we manage to manufacture on our own.  Whenever I hear myself expressing frustration that I am doing my very best and it just doesn’t seem to be enough, I know that I’m veering off dangerously into overly-exclusive “I” territory.  And it’s time to hand over a big ass chunk of dirty laundry to God and go, “I don’t know.  Do something with this.”

Number 7

Walt WhitmanContinue to Be a Feminist and a Humanist Who Loves Nasty, Nasty Gangsta Rap.  It’s a paradox, you see.  But, like Walt Whitman said, “Do I contradict myself?  Very well then, I contradict myself.  I am large.  I contain multitudes.”  Snapchat me that P*ssy, Walt!  You, perhaps, have your own special version of paradox, and I encourage you to embrace it wholeheartedly.

Number 8

Choose Adventure Over Safety.  Because, despite resolution #1, no one here gets out alive.  Like, ever.  I’ll have plenty of time to be safe when I’m dead.  Also, I’ve got some remarkably scary shit to create and clean up this year—scary to me, anyway, and this is a resolution I’ll need to revisit daily.  Or at least, on days when I’m not completely hiding under the covers.

Number 9

Do Some Good For Other People.  Because, nothing, nothing, nothing ever prevents us from doing that.  Kindness and Generosity have the incredible advantage (from both an existential and a marketplace standpoint) of always being in short supply and high demand.  And no matter who’s elected, no matter who’s dying, no matter who’s inexplicably ripping off your head and shitting down your neck, there is miraculously always room for compassion and friendliness.

Number 10

But Don’t Take Ownership or Responsibility for Other People’s Happiness or Unhappiness.  Because even if they are our children, in the end, that is their prerogative, and as many times as I have tried to muscle in and make myself the source of somebody else’s something, it never, ever works out well for either of us.  But I’m always tempted to try, because there’s just nothing I like better than Other People’s Problems, which have the refreshing benefit of being, um, Not My Problems, and therefore, so much more obvious when it comes to solutions.  Duh!

What about you, kittens?  We are longing to hear about your resolutions for 2017, or lack thereof, if you are categorically opposed to this tradition.  Please, please, please consider taking a moment to share your inspiration and intentions with the world.  Because we need them, now more than ever.

Love Always,

Ellen

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